Lying Aqua
by J. Gentleman
Summary: Based on the theory that Aqua lied about the circumstances of Kazuma's death, this story follows the girl that Kazuma pushed out of the way of a speeding truck. Completion: Ch 8 - 100%
1. Explanation

**Explanation**

The Lying Aqua theory is popular with KonoSuba fans that don't like the circumstances of Kazuma's death (or at least I like to think it's popular).

The theory goes: since Aqua is capable of lying (e.g. "goddesses don't go to the bathroom," etc.), she is able to contrive her own fictional story about Kazuma's death to guarantee that he chooses to be sent to the new world over being reincarnated back to his original world. All to fulfill her damn quota. And she becomes double the bitch she already is when you realize she might have been doing that for all who died before.

For all we know, Kazuma might have actually saved a girl from a speeding truck, and that girl might actually be going through a hell of survivor's guilt everyday. And Aqua not only takes a shit on Kazuma's sincere worry about the girl, but also uses the girl and his friends and family to ridicule him, knowing they can never contend her bullshit unless they die as well.

That said, this fic will cover the death and subsequent life of the last person Kazuma saw before he left their original world. Dunno if she'll count as an oc b/c she's kinda still Natsume Akatsuki's creation, even if he did nothing w/ her. She's nondescript, and she doesn't even get a name. But on the plus side, that means I can mold her into any kind of character I want, just like what Index fans often do w/ Aihana Etsu.

I'm thinking of making her a kind of dark, death-seeker type of girl. Maybe she wanted to get run over before Kazuma stole her chance.

I'm unsure of what to name her, so I'll mainly just refer to her as the girl, or X-chan or sth, and keep her name open, just like what those same Index fans sometimes do w/ Accel.

Appearance-wise, I got little to nothing, but since she's going for that melancholic, emo vibe, I'll limit her color palette to neutrals like gray, white, black, and brown. Maybe she'll have sth like Kazuma's adventurer outfit, sans the green mant.

I don't have big plans for interaction w/ the main cast, but the girl will meet them at some point and will most likely have her own, generally negative, opinions on them.

One more thing, this'll take place after the events of Vol. 8 at least, but I'm all caught up to Vol. 10 w/ yuNS's translations. At the time of this posting, Vol. 11 isn't out yet, but might be after a month or so.

 **! So for those who are only up to date w/ the anime, expect light novel spoilers!**

I hope this gets more KonoSuba fans and writers to think about the Lying Aqua theory!


	2. Prologue

**Prologue**

A girl is sitting in a chair in the middle of a dark expanse. That's what I'd like to say, but I don't even know if this spot is really considered the middle if this darkness is really an expanse.

It takes me forever to realize I am the girl in the chair. Have I always been a girl in a chair? I think so. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't a girl in a chair. I do not remember anything else. This chair is just as much a part of my body as my arms or legs.

Come to think of it, this chair seems pretty nondescript. I literally cannot find the words to describe this chair. Come to think of it, how am I even sure what a chair is? This scene is the only thing in my memory. I don't recall ever learning about chairs in school or any other place.

Come to think of it, if I have such an expansive vocabulary to think of words like 'chair' and 'school', I must have learned them at some point in the past. I just don't know how far back in the past. The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair in a dark expanse.

Come to think of it, this body that's occupying my chair is also pretty nondescript. I literally cannot find the words to describe this body. Come to think of it, I'm driving myself crazy with all this shitty repetition. Am I am idiot?

Suddenly the muscles in my neck move to turn my face forward. I don't remember which way I was facing before. But it seems this expanse is not as dark as I thought. It also seems I'm not alone.

It's a girl sitting in a chair. The amount of girls sitting in chairs in a dark expanse has doubled. I wonder, is it me? Am I staring into a mirror? Is that what I look like? If so, I must say, I'm quite beautiful. Brilliant, long, moonlight silver hair hiding under midnight blue robes. A gentle and delicate face carrying a melancholic smile. I didn't know I could be so distinctive.

But I'm immediately proven wrong when I notice the smile. I never smile. This beautiful girl isn't me. She could never be me.

"Looks like you're finally coming around. Can you remember anything? You don't have to try too hard, but if there's anything at all, please let me know. I'm here to help."

 **Xxxxx**

 **...I unintentionally turned X-chan into a Rule 63 version of Ii-chan from Zaregoto, with all the circular thinking and nonsense and monkey talk spewing out of her mind. There might be hints of other deathseeker-type characters from various series within her voice, but Ii-chan was the main influence. But this is just what I think typical emo teens sound like inside their heads. I could be wrong though (heavily influenced by anime/manga/lns, after all), and she could be more unique than expected.**

 **A prologue is obviously not enough to showcase all of her personality, but it is a glimpse of her basic thought processes before adding interactions with other people and objects. I must be patient.**

 **Also, it's super easy to keep her name secret if I write in first person! I call her X-chan, but the characters don't know about that yet.**


	3. Ch 1 - Giving this Angsty Teen a Voice

**Giving this Angsty Teen a Voice**

"...An angel?" I didn't realize, but I'm speaking out loud.

"A goddess, actually." She says with a warm smile. "I'm Eris, the goddess of fortune." And then she waits for the fact to sink into my tiny human brain.

Not an angel, but a goddess. What does it mean? To have a goddess appear before me, am I some sort of prophet? Or have I finally reached the promised land? Even after I've wronged so many people? Like that one boy in the green and red jersey who voluntarily died in my place. That may have been the worst I've done. Then is this goddess here to punish me for my sins? I'd appreciate that. She sounds friendly enough, but her words feel a little scripted. Like maybe she's new at this.

My next words may cause her to change dramatically, so I must be careful. It happens way too often, after all. I say something without thinking, and it changes people. For example:

"You have really big breasts." _Ding ding._ Why did I lie like that?

"Eh? Really?"

Actually, they don't look that much bigger than mine, but Eris-chan's smile transforms from calm to ecstatic, and her white face becomes tinged with pink. A small white line appears on her right cheek. Is that a scar?

"W-well, they're just B-cup though. Ah, yours are really big too!"

No, mine is true B-cup, nothing worth noting. The moment she said she had the same size as me, a metaphorical bell started ringing in my head. Oh, now I remember, since birth I've had an uncanny ability to detect lies. That's why everyone hated being around me.

"So they're not true B-cup. Then what, are they padded?"

Shock! Eris-chan's smile disappears and is replaced by a flustered expression.

"Y-you were testing me!? Okay, I'm sorry I lied about my breast size! But I meant it when I said I wanted to help!"

"I know. You have helped. I do remember. Thanks, Eris-chan."

"...You know, using -chan for a goddess is kind of..." She scratches her cheek, where the scar is. "Anyway, will you tell me? What you remembered?"

Eris-chan looks excited. I apologize, Eris-chan, but there's nothing to be excited about.

"No."

"Oh. I had a feeling you'd say that." Now she looks disheartened.

"You're not missing out. It's not a feel-good story, and I suck at telling stories anyway. But this right here. Basically, this is where I go when I die, right? So what do I do now?"

"Now you're given a choice. The first option is be reincarnated back to your original world as a new life, like you'd normally expect. The second option is to be sent to a new world to help defeat a demon lord."

"You heard me right, a demon lord." She says, smiling with a hint of seriousness.

She's not yanking my chain, this demon lord problem is the real deal.

"Ah, but we have been making progress against the demon lord recently, so it's not going to be a totally uphill battle. It's just that they're have been fewer and fewer deaths from Earth as of late, and out of those who come here, no one is choosing to help in the new world. Ah, but I'm not trying to persuade you one way or another!"

 _Ding ding_. She's clearly trying to persuade me towards the new world. I apologize once more, Eris-chan, but I can only think of one thing that'll persuade me.

"What did he choose?"

"Who?"

"There should have been a boy around my age with a green and red jersey who died not too long ago. Do you remember anyone like that?"

"Kazuma-san? Well, he's the only one with a green jersey that I can think of. I don't know about red though. His main color is just green. As a matter of fact, it's because of Kazuma-san that I could reach this position so early in my career. He's doing really well in the new world."

Right, Satou Kazuma. That was the name the officer gave me. Speaking of which, the officer also offered me what was in Mr. Satou's bag. It turned out to be an eroge. I wasn't interested, so I offered it back to the cop. He said it was a shame, the poor bastard had good taste, and they might have gotten along. Wait, rewind a bit, no red?

"No red, huh? Maybe that was just blood then." I ponder out loud.

"What, what, what!? Blood? That's the first I've heard of this! I thought Kazuma-san's death was nonviolent and lightly comical!"

"There's nothing comical about being roadkilled by a 16-wheeler. It was devastating seeing it up close. So much that I had confused the blood for a color of his jersey for the longest time. Am I am idiot or something?"

Uh oh, I accidentally summoned a dark atmosphere. Eris-chan looks wide-eyed and frozen in place. I think she's experiencing fridge logic for the first time. Or is it fridge horror? Or maybe even fridge brilliance? She did say Satou Kazuma was doing really well now. That's good to hear. Kinda, in a way.

Maybe it'd be okay to reincarnate and forget about him. He probably forgot all about me, the girl he saved. Who does that? Is it really possible to forget something like that?

No, it wouldn't sit well with me. I want to at least apologize for taking away his life. He never got to play his eroge because of me. Yup, I've decided. I'll go to the new world, to apologize at the very least.

"Okay, Eris-chan, I've decided."

"...Senpai tricked him..."

"Eris-chan?"

"Oh! You've decided?" She's eager to know.

"Yes, I'll go to your world."

Eris-chan's visage becomes twice as bright and her eyes sparkle in admiration.

"Wonderful! I'll get everything ready right away!" She disappears into the darkness for only a second and comes back with a heavy-looking, ancient tome. "I forgot to tell you before, but to aid in their fight against the demon lord, newcomers from Earth can select a special perquisite called a divine relic to take with them. Please take your time to browse our catalog to find the divine relic you like best."

I open the tome to the table of contents. There's way too many choices. I can't even make sense of half of them. But there's one object that takes precedence:

"Can I take this chair?"

"Nope."

Destroyed.

"Actually, that's a new rule put in place recently. Newcomers can only choose from the catalog. Nothing else counts as a divine relic. Kazuma-san was also involved with this ruling. He was the one who discovered a flaw in the old system."

"What did he pick?"

"I don't think I should say. But in any case, he ultimately messed up. He made a mistake."

No bells ringing here. Poor dude, he must've chosen a chair, like I wanted to.

"But this chair..." It's a part of me, I wanted to say.

"Don't worry about the chair, there'll be chairs over there!"

"But will they be as nondescript as this one?"

"You betcha!"

Silence in my head. I guess people over there truly don't think or care much about chairs.

"So what divine relic would you recommend, Eris-chan?"

"Hm, I recently recovered a sentient suit of armor that'll always protect his owner no matter what. He said he wanted his next owner to be a cute girl, so I'm sure he'll be happy-"

"No, that sounds like something I'm not interested in."

I have nothing against sentient objects, but I'm not one to pick a defensive perk over an offensive one. Or even a battle-only perk over an all-purpose one.

"Oh. Well how about this one? [Exact Change], The ability to always pull the exact amount of money out of your pocket that you need? Of course, infinite money is built into the ability. That's one I thought up myself. By the way, the currency in this world is also called eris, it was named after me! ...Or was I named after the currency? Which came first? I don't even remember."

As Eris-chan starts having an existential crisis, I mull over her suggestion. That ability sounds super cool, and I can imagine myself looking like a badass while buying something. But I could think of some cons: you may have the money, but you won't always be able to find what you want; there are also some things you want that you won't be able to trade money for.

"But it's cool, so let's table it for now."

I flip the pages of the tome randomly until one perk catches my eye: it's a skill called [God Mode].

"You're interested in that one? I'd say that's a true cheat if there ever was one. But it's really dangerous and risky. Your body becomes like a ghost for a short period of time. You can walk through walls and float in the air and nothing can touch you. Only instead of being an undead-type, you become a pure divine-type. But it's risky because you can only use it for five seconds per activation at first, and your movement speed is halved during that time. So if the time runs out while you're in a wall or something, you'll probably die. It'll probably only be used to dodge projectiles or something until you level it up high enough. For this ability, leveling it up will gradually increase its duration and movement speed. So how does that sound?"

Yup, that sounds like me. My kinda cheat. Honestly, you had me at 'you'll probably die'. But basically, it's like the god mode code from those old pc games like Quake or Counter Strike. I believe another name for the code was noclip mode when it was used by devs during testing because it turns off clipping and collision detection. All the details of the environment are visible at once and you can just move around like a ghost to the area you want to check out. Not that I'm an expert. It was just a fun way to play (read: mess around in) multiplayer games when you had no friends.

Yup, sorry to say, but I like this one better than the one you created, Eris-chan.

"I choose [God Mode]." The moment I said that, a beam of light from above surrounded me. I'm floating up. Eris-chan, I've been caught by an alien tractor beam. Eris-chan, I'm being abducted. Eris-chaaan. Heeelp.

"Okay, so now you'll feel lightheaded for a while. Everything will be alright. Your mind is being implanted with the necessary knowledge for survival. When you wake up, you'll be in the beginner's city of Axel. I'm also giving you enough starting money for a month's worth of living expenses. Ah, and I come down sometimes too, so I'll say hi whenever I can. Then, we'll meet again! Later~!" She waves as my vision fades to white.

 **Xxxxx**

 **...I unintentionally dropped a lie detection ability right on top of X-chan's background. But then I remembered that KonoSuba already has lie detection bells, so I added the** ** _ding ding_** **sounds and it was all cool. I was thinking such an ability would fit well in a story like this and help explain a bit about the girl as well.**

 **Eris (along with Chris) is my favorite character from KonoSuba. Just thought I'd put that out there. She's my main Kazuma ship. If she sounds the least bit ooc here, allow me to disagree. She's definitely capable of this type of carefree banter, but you have to snap her out of her solemn-looking, perfect goddess shell first. Like a pistachio or something. Yummy. Both Kazuma and X-chan do this by discovering and revealing a secret of hers. From her point of view, apparently out of nowhere. She becomes super informal if you become super informal with her first.**

 **Speaking of informality, X-chan's use of -chan is also taken from Zaregoto, with Ii-chan doing the same for almost all girls that look younger than him, regardless of how close he is to them (he's usually not that close).**

 **The ultimately chosen divine relic, [God Mode] is the result of a short brainstorm with a tiny group of friends. I might regret it later. Therefore, X-chan might regret it later.**


	4. Ch 2 - Signing this Newbie Up for War

**Signing this Newbie Up for War**

My vision returns eventually. I'm standing on a sidewalk, facing a street. A relatively slow traffic street with more pedestrians than vehicles. Speaking of transportation, I forgot to say thanks for the lift. What a nice alien tractor beam that was. Even if they stole my DNA or something, I didn't feel an itch.

Behind me appears to be a church of some kind. It seems like a pretty decent destination if I have some more questions about this world. Alright, time to test out [God Mode] for the first time on this flimsy-looking wooden church door!

I walk up and put my hand to the door. To activate the skill, I say its name out loud. Then I lean forward. Oh, it's going through! But it's a lot slower than I expected. It's supposed to start at half my current speed, but this is nuts. What am I, an Alolan Pokemon?

Right before my five seconds expire and my hand gets permanently stuck in a door from the first activation, the door swings open violently. Outwards, right through me. Lucky.

"What are you thinking?! Are you really that reckless?!"

The open door reveals a small girl around Eris-chan's size, also with silver hair but cut short. Her outfit is quite revealing, consisting of a tiny black top and tiny jean shorts, with only a tiny pistachio green mant and a sky blue scarf for warmth. I would ask who she is, but a distinctive scar on her right cheek gives it away.

"Oh, Eris-ch-" She clamps my mouth shut with both her hands.

"Shh! No no no, my name's Chris! I'm a thief-by-class and a member of the Eris Church! I am most certainly not [ _ding!_ ] the goddess of fortune worshipped by this church!" So she says as she drags me away from her church.

"So Eris-chan disguises herself whenever she comes down for a visit." I say when we're far enough away from mortal ears. Come to think of it, she said she'd visit soon, but how long has it been since I last saw her? "Speaking of which, you cut your hair?"

"Alright, let's ignore that you saw through two of my secrets immediately after meeting me, but yeah, that's right. I have to cut it every time I come down because it always grows back to its full length at midnight. Ah, but don't tell Kazuma, or he might develop a weird hair cutting fetish!"

...Wow. This innocent-looking goddess just said something incredible. What was your relationship with that guy again? But I wouldn't worry about that if I were you, Eris-chan. I highly doubt Satou Kazuma is coincidentally also the descendent of a scissors-wielding serial killer. But I also doubt we're thinking of the same thing. Or, I dunno, we might be. Whoever said goddesses don't watch anime?

"Seriously though, I was right in worrying, even if I was worried for a different reason, but I didn't expect you to be so careless. That church door isn't as flimsy as it looks, you know. It's protected by divine magic. Any other magic would've been repelled normally, but since your skill is divine in nature, it only slowed it down like a generic barrier. That was really dangerous! Haa... I guess I'll guide you for a bit, and show you the ropes or something. But I don't do this often, so sorry if miss anything important."

So you're going to run me through an impromptu crash course tutorial? Sounds fun. Then I'll be in your care. Eris-chan seems like the kind of girl that unintentionally holds your hand through an explanation, so I'll have to pay close attention to save us both from various forms of embarrassment. Actually, she said she goes by Chris, right? Then I'll call her Chris-chan while she's dressed like this.

Chris-chan leads me through the streets until we arrive at another large, distinctive building.

"This is the Adventurers Guild, the first destination for newcomers. Here is where you sign up and get a card and choose a job class and stuff like that." She says as she walks in, pulling me along. We head to the counter and meet a pretty receptionist with wavy, blonde hair.

"Ah, Luna-san, this is a new girl who has yet to register. Please help her through the process."

"Why if it isn't Chris! Long time, no see! Of course I'll help your friend." Luna-san smiles at me. "First, there is a small 1000 eris registration fee. Do you have that much on you right now?"

"Probably." I pull out the coin purse Eris-chan- or rather Chris-chan gave me, and tried to find coins that add up to 1000. I am just now starting to regret my decision. Eris-chan's custom-made [Exact Change] skill is looking so much more useful than [God Mode] right now.

"Ah, the coins are a little different, after all. Here, you can use two of this kind." Chris-chan points out two 500 eris coins for me. Thanks, the coins look so similar, it might've taken me forever to find them.

"Next, please fill out this form with your height, weight, age, and other details." Luna-san hands me a form. Surprisingly, it doesn't ask for my name. I fill out my particulars, and hand back the form.

"After that, please touch this card. This will display your base stat spread, and help you determine which job class will work best for you."

The card is drivers license sized. I press my thumb against it, and numbers and letters appear. So this is why the form didn't ask for my name. It's spelt out clearly at the top. It'll suck having to see it every time I look at the card.

The numbers next to the stat names like strength and vitality are all close together in value, save for the one next to luck, which is about ten times that of the rest. It also appears speed really is my lowest stat.

"Now then, allow me to recommend a job based on your stat spread, Miss... Eh... How do you pronounce this?"

You don't, that's how. But thank you for not trying out loud, Luna-san. Needless to say, I'm not too fond of my name. It sounds like a cheap knock off version of a mythical weapon.

"Luna. That's my name as well." _Ding!_ She didn't fall for it though. But I wouldn't mind sharing that name with her. It sounds nice.

"I do appreciate the thought, really. You know what they say about imitation and flattery. But if you're going to come up with a nickname for yourself, I recommend using something district from others. To avoid confusion, you know?" Oh, Luna-san's thought this through. Is she thinking of changing her name, too? Is Luna her real name?

I look at Chris-chan. "How did you come up with the name Chris?" I ask her.

"Eh? What was that? Chris isn't your real name?" Luna-san looks lost.

"Wa wa wah! I, I have no idea what you're talking about! [ _Ding_ ] Chris is definitely my given name! [ _Ding ding_ ] Uh, my parents chose it for me..." _Ding ding ding!_ Three strikes and you're out, Eris-chan!

I patiently stare at her, waiting for my answer. Luna-san looks back down at my card, trying to decipher it or something. Chris-chan sighs, pulls me close, and whispers in my ear.

"Okay, it's a flower. I named myself after a flower that I like. So think of something like that, something you really like."

A flower, huh? If I could do that, what flower would I name myself after? How about Dandylion? Because if you kill me, then two fluff balls will appear in defense position. _Ding ding._ No, I don't think I could bear hearing the eventual 'Dandylion? What the hell kind of flower is that?' from a curious stranger.

What's something I really like? I try not to like anything too much. The only thing I can think of, that I like at all, even the tiniest bit is...

Chris-chan. She's been taking care of me real well ever since we met. Like, exactly how you'd expect a devout little sister to take care of you when you're down. I wish I had you when I was little, Chris-chan. Alright, then it's settled, my nickname will be in reference to my little sister's nickname!

But what fits with Chris? Anthemum? Tamanthequins? Looking outward rather than inward is a better idea. My eyes finally land on a rough-looking drunk dude snoozing away in nondescript chair at a table along with several other rough-looking drunk dudes. But this one dude has a huge X-shaped scar on his face. It looks super cool. I want to ask him about it when he wakes up.

"Alright, Luna-san, you can call me Chros-chan for short."

"? How did you come up with that?"

"You see, me and Chris-chan," I try out a shitty idol pose that probably doesn't suit me at all, "We're Crisscross!"

That's what I was thinking of. I just thought of it, but it was so stupidly, sickeningly adorable, I couldn't help but love it. But not too much. I don't know if anyone else shares my opinion.

I think Chris-chan has been stricken with a fit of befuddlement, and she's also looking a little red around the ears. Oops, I forgot. I wanted to _not_ embarrass her. I'm sorry.

"...Let's leave your nickname open for future discussion for now." Luckily, Luna-san is a considerate adult. "That said, hey Chris-pff," Oh, she's trying to stifle a laugh. I may have spoken too soon. "Ahem, I was just wondering, I may be crazy, but doesn't this stat spread look a bit too familiar?"

I don't know if it's a good idea to show your ID card to people so easily, but it should be okay if it's only Chris-chan.

"All your stats are generally around bottom tier except for luck, which is almost up to my level?" Her eyes widen. It seems someone similar to me existed that these two are familiar with... No, don't tell me-

""It's Kazuma!"" The two ladies exclaim. Who'da thunk? Certainly not me.

Unfortunately, their outburst wakes up the entire guild. Various eyes are staring me down, with various emotions and varying intensities. It's not great. I feel hella embarrassed. This must be karma at the divine level for embarrassing Eris-chan just a minute ago.

"You're like the new Kazuma 2.0!"

"That's wonderful! I can train you up differently, to be morally righteous, where I failed with him!"

Chris-chan... What does that even mean? You sound like you used to be his mom or something. But I'm sorry to say, if there's one thing I am definitely not, it's morally righteous.

More pressingly, I don't think I enjoy being compared to the man who died because of me. Considering the various ways everyone reacted when they heard his name, there's no way he's just an average dude. There's no way he's not the main character of his own light novel, manga, and anime series. There's no way he's anything like me.

But apparently, he started his new life in this world with the same kind of garbage stat spread as mine. I'm actually having a weird kind of mixed feeling. We share our highest stat in luck. That has to do with survival just as much as vitality and agility, right?

"Hey, I'll recommend the same job I recommended to him, alright? The merchant class doesn't need proficiency in any other field than luck, though it does scale a bit with intelligence too. And there's no risking your life fighting monsters." Luna-san's concern for me doubled when she found out I was just like Satou Kazuma.

"...What did he go with?"

"Kazuma? He said he was aiming to defeat the demon lord, but with his stats, the only class with combat capabilities available for him was the default class for adventurers, called the adventurer class. Last I checked with him, he was still the same class. Ah, but there was Aqua with him at the beginning. I think she was pressuring him toward fighting. He might've chosen merchant if not for her."

"...Unfortunately, my aim, it turns out, is the same as his. I'm assuming I can also only choose adventurer from the combat classes?"

"Are you absolutely sure? It's dangerous and risky, you know?" But adventurous and free! Adventure, that's the life for me! ...As they say. I just nod. She sighs. "Haa, well Chris, I wish you luck." There's no need for that, she's the goddess of luck. Or did I just miss a deeper meaning there? Luna-san hands me back my card with the new 'ADVENTURER' title at the top.

"Thanks Luna-san, I'll explain the rest to her outside. We'll come back another time." Then the Crisscross duo waves bye bye to Luna-san, and walks out of the guild in silence.

 **Xxxxx**

 **...X-chan is super enamored with Chris's exposed navel. Lol, I have no idea if that's true.**

 **There could've been many potential explanations for the Eris/Chris hair length conundrum. I went with this one because I thought it'd be funny.**

 **There may have been a bit too many random, unnecessary references here. What do I think this is, Nyaruko? There isn't even a unifying theme for them all.**

 **I'm not using number values for stats because Akatsuki-sensei also does not use them. I am using proportionate values though, even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't use those either.**

 **I want X-chan to eventually have an actual X motif, so I'm thinking of giving her an X-shaped scar by the end of her journey. Just like that sleepy drunk dude. Or Kenshin. Or Shichika. Or Jack Sparrow. Or Master Daidara.**

 **I also feel like giving Chris a pistachio motif, but that probably won't come into play or make any noticeable difference at all.**


	5. Ch 3 - Dumping Exp into this Seemingly

**Dumping Experience Points into this Seemingly Broken Skill**

After walking down the street for a while, explaining about quests and various game mechanics to me, Chris-chan eyes me curiously.

"You know, I didn't want to say anything about it in the guild, but I remember you were asking about Kazuma before too. And then with the surprising hidden similarities... It can't be, are you actually his long lost little sister?!"

What? Hah! Nah, no way. I actually theorized about that, too. That maybe that was why he was there that day. Maybe that was what urged him to save me. But then I saw photos of his parents, and they looked totally different from the photos I had of my own parents, and I became depressed again. What possessed me to search for photos of a dead guy's parents in the first place? I was a lonely girl.

I just shake my head. "The only way that would be possible is if at least one of us was adopted. But that's kinda sad to think about either way, so let's drop it."

Then another thought pops into my head. "Hey, I noticed you were using an honorific for him before, but then dropped it." Yeah, what's up with that?

"Oh, that must have been when I was in my goddess form. As a goddess, I shouldn't favor one man over the general populace."

I guess that's the general rule, but could that somehow tie into the explanation of both his and my unnaturally high luck values?

"But you do love him the most, right?" I have come up with a theory about Eris-chan and the luck stat.

"Eh?" _Ding._ She didn't even say anything yet though. But she's obviously trying to find a way to deny it without lying. It's fine, take your time.

Basically, my theory is that Eris-chan can influence other people's luck. There's a way to test this.

"Eris-chan loves me a lot too, right?"

"...Well," She scratches her cheek.

"Because I love Eris-chan a whole bunch too. You're my favorite person." I'm not lying. I stealthily check my card. Luck increased by five points. Yup, no doubt now.

Eris-chan is the sole being who determines the value of each individual's luck by how much she likes him or her.

So it might've gone like this: Satou Kazuma did something to win over Eris-chan's favor. Then she fell in love with him, thus raising his luck to unnatural levels. Then he registered for a card and surprised Luna-san.

Didn't Eris-chan say something like 'it's because of Kazuma-san that I could reach this position so early in my career'?

But she seems unaware of her powerful influence over a basic game mechanic.

"Oh you," Looks like she's ready. "You and him both, you really are a handful." _Ding._ I guess taking her time didn't help her. What happened, did you mean to say 'mouthful' instead? Wait, I don't even know what that means. I stay silent.

"That guy, I think I'm closer to him as Chris. We have something like a master-apprentice relationship. I'm the Big Boss and he is my Assistant-kun."

"Is he going to switch over to the thief class soon?"

"I wish, then we'd be like partners. But he's dead set on dying an adventurer class. And I for one know exactly how many times he's died. He's even learned two thief-only skills from me, if he switched over, he'd get the boosts from thief class perks, too. Oh yeah, that's the only plus for choosing the adventurer class. You can learn any skill from any class if you see it, but you have to spend double the experience points to add it to your learned skills and to level it up."

So you're saying he willingly chose to work twice as hard in order to have more options. What a man!

"So how many points do I need to learn your skill, Eris-chan?"

"Which one? [Steal] doesn't take that much, but [Bind] needs a considerable amount more."

What? No no no, I don't want those generic-sounding thief skills that I can learn from any thief. The one skill I want to learn from you, Eris-chan, the one skill I'd do anything for is, "[Exact Change]. Please."

She sighs. "No can do. [Exact Change] isn't even a thief skill. It's a divine relic. And you already have one."

"I made a mistake! You can take back [God Mode]! Uh...since I'm an adventurer, I can learn any skill, even divine ones, right? I only need to see it in action first so it'll be selectable on my card, and then I can purchase it with points whenever I get enough, right?"

"Wow, you learn fast, huh. And yet again, the similarities are just too strong. But I can't take back a divine relic until the owner dies. And giving you two would be really unfair in the long run, even if it looks like you need as many as you can get at your current level."

The way she put it tastes kinda sweet and sour, but I understand and agree that with two divine relics, I'd eventually become too good for my own good... As if anyone would just sit and allow someone like me to set up like that! I'd be dead way before I accumulated enough experience points to make [God Mode] usable!

"Yeah, and I currently don't have any way to raise my exp. at all, so even if you show me, I wouldn't be able to learn it." So show me anyway! I wanted to say.

"Hm? Oh, I wouldn't say you don't have any way. Even non-combat classes can gain a little bit of exp. just by eating some good food. But I know what you're talking about. You've already signed up for war against the demon lord army, but don't even have a weapon or armor. Luckily, I know where we can go for that."

I knew I could count on Eris-chan. I've even formulated a plan around this. It should work as long as it's a shop.

We walk over to a small shop in front of an apartment-like living space. It's supposedly the general weapons and armor shop. It's slightly larger than the vendor carts selling various fruits. I'm assuming the door at the back is the entrance to the shop owner's home.

"Welcome!"

So this is the blacksmith, huh? He doesn't look anything like Master Daidara, but maybe-just maybe, if you squint reeeal hard, he kinda resembles the Metalworks owner's general silhouette shape as a normal human being.

"So is there anything you have in mind, Lil Miss?" He suddenly starts to converse with me. What a cute, generic nickname he contrived for me. I'll take it.

"Alright, Chris-chan! Call me Lil Miss from now on!"

"Ugh, no." She pinches her brow. "'Lil Miss From Now On' is way too long." What a jokester. "I'm not calling you 'Lil Miss'. That sounds so distant. It makes sense for a shop owner who's never seen you before, but I thought we were closer than that."

Fair enough, I still have time for that later. But wow, Chris-chan already thinks of me in such a light. We really are close. I stare at her for a little while longer. I actually want her to suggest something for me from the store, preferably something super expensive that exceeds my budget.

"...? What's up? Haa... You want to know what he picked up from here, right?"

I honestly was not thinking about that until you mentioned it, but I kinda want to know now.

"Hm, as far as I can remember, he had a cheap short sword at one point, a bow, and a uniquely designed custom sword with an unfortunate name."

"Unfortunate name?" That hits a sore spot. I can feel my uncomfort level rising, but I hope it's not showing on my face.

"You guys are talking about that one guy, right? Kazuma?" Master Not Daidara butts in. "Ha! I remember that ordeal. Poor guy looks away for one minute and his loli archmage sidekick steals the name talisman to write some random gibberish on it before sticking it on the hilt. And you can't rename it once the talisman has been applied."

Ouch. So even he can experience bad luck. Or maybe he did something to piss his loli archmage sidekick off. But even if a punishment was justified, I cannot condone that specific form of retaliation. I've never met this loli, but I have a feeling we'd get along poorly.

So anyway, that guy uses a sword and a bow. If I were smart, I'd probably keep following in his footsteps, and get those two weapons. But I'm not for that. That sounds stupid. Imitation is stupid. Being smart is stupid.

But going against the flow is good. Being different is smart. The good smart, not the stupid smart.

What's the opposite of both a sword and a bow? A sword is clearly a slash weapon. And a bow, considering the ammo is arrows, qualifies as a pierce weapon. That means he doesn't have access to strike attacks. So if I want to have something he doesn't, I'll look for a bludgeoning weapon like a hammer, or a club, or a Bus Stop Sign. I could also go with fist weapons, like boxing gloves or brass knuckles, but I'd probably have bad affinity because of my low speed and agility.

Look at me, trying to analyze weapon choices like I know what I'm talking about.

"So what are your options for bludgeons?" I ask the owner. "Like a hammer or club or something?"

"Are you sure, Lil Miss? Most clubs and hammers require high strength to wield. Not that I'm making any assumptions." _Ding!_ I don't mind. My scrawny arms are completely honest and hold true to my current strength stat.

"There are none light enough for me to lift?" I feel like I'm going off track somehow. "What about that metal baseball bat in the corner?" It caught my eye because it was plain and gray, with no noticeable details, just like me. I think we'd get along. I walk to it and pick it up easily.

"That old thing? Used to be my son's, but he lost interest in baseball long ago and never touched it since. It probably won't do well as a weapon against monsters, but if you're fixed on it, I can reinforce it with a magnesium alloy that'll enhance its durability while keeping it lightweight. In that case, I think 50,000 eris [ _Ding_ ] is a reasonable price for it."

He's either overpricing because I'm a noob, or underpricing because I'm a first-time buyer. I look to Chris-chan for confirmation.

"That's actually not a bad deal. I mean a bat is definitely an unconventional weapon of choice for an adventurer, but I can think of a few ways to make it work."

Of course Eris-chan knows the value of money in this world. They share the same name after all. So it was the latter. He's hoping for more business from me in the future.

"Okay, I'll go for that."

"Come tomorrow morning and your bat will be ready by then. Now how about anything else? Is there anything else you think you might need for adventuring?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, you don't plan on fighting in those pajamas, do you?"

Oh. Well, I'm just wearing a generic plain white t-shirt and gray track pants, but I guess they can pass as pajamas.

I end up buying a brown belt and matching boots, because they're supposedly the best equipment that can compensate for my abysmal speed. I am stuck with [God Mode] for the rest of my life, so better do whatever I can to make it worthwhile instead of an eternal detriment.

I also find a green mantle, kinda similar to Chris-chan's, but a little bit bigger, with a darker shade of green, but she starts blushing when I put it on. I thought it'd be cute if we both wore green mants, but I guess she considers it embarrassing. So I'll save it for later.

Everything totals to 55,000 eris, but I'll be paying the 50,000 for the bat tomorrow. We leave the shop, but I think I'm forgetting something. Wait.

"Chris-chan, wasn't there anything you wanted to buy from there?"

"Well, I did find...oh I know what you're doing." She does. She catches on quick. "I'm not teaching you [Exact Change]. If I do, then you'll just save up for that instead of leveling up [God Mode] or your base stats, and you'll be a weakling forever. I'll have you know, my skill is very expensive, experience point-wise." Haa, I tried, kinda. I put in my minimal effort. "Now c'mon, last thing I can do for you before I have to go back is show you to a good inn, where you can have a good meal and take a nice rest. Then you can go to the adventures guild tomorrow, after picking up your bat, and follow up with Luna-san for details on quests."

 **Xxxxx**

 **...So this story has turned into more of a collection of my wild mass guess theories about the KonoSuba world. I have more in waiting.**

 **You may have noticed X-chan mention photos she had of her parents. Make of that what you will.**

 **My thought process on determining her weapon of choice is exactly as detailed above.**

 **I wanted to write more about what Chris was doing/going to do in the weapon/armor shop, but then I'd have been going way off track.**

 **Kazuma's party is still in Elroad at this point, and will probably be there for a few more weeks or days. Basically the timeframe when Kazuma is playing the 'where's the coin?' game with the prince.** **Oh, speaking of Elroad and timeframes, the moment Eris learns about Kazuma's death is the same moment Aqua kills Kazuma's winning streak at the roulettes, and bankrupts herself.**

 **In the meantime, X-chan will be playing catch up because she and her skill are super weak. I also want her to meet a whole bunch of other liars before they return. I'm thinking the trio of Dust, Vanir, and Yunyun will fit well with the theme.**

 **All comments, reviews, and suggestions are super appreciated. Follows/favorites are always (I think) considered less important than reviews, but no need to be shy with either.**

 **I'd also like to point out that while the character concept of 'X-chan' (not the name, that's generic enough) is a product of my mind, the actual character slot/pigeonhole is open to all. Meaning even you, reader, can write about** ** _the girl_** **. You can make her a different kind of girl with a different personality and background, and give her a different name, and customize her just like I'm doing.** ** _As long as Aqua was lying about her in some way_** **(lol jk, idc).**


	6. Ch 4 - Playing Catch Up Against These

**...I find it interesting how readers are generally in the dark about the update status of stories here. I mean, I can put some sort of % complete thing for the current chapter in the description, but even then, the uncertainty is still there. For example, if I die tomorrow, the story will never be finished, even if it says "Ch 5 - 1% complete" (which usually means I've started the ch, but dunno how long it'll be anyway) for the longest time. But the readers would still have no choice but to believe I'm still alive until they finally receive the alert. Because I could easily just be taking a break, or working full time, etc.**

 **That said, there's no fear of me dropping this story until it reaches an acceptable conclusion, however long that takes. That is unless, as mentioned above, I die, which no one has any way of knowing or finding out about. That's pretty tough on a reader of any ongoing story, right?**

 **Anyway, I didn't have any specific plotline when I started this, so I still can't say where it's heading. I just wanted to discuss some of my fan theories while getting them all out into the world, and I ended up putting them all together in story form. The pacing might feel a little awkward for both me and the readers, but I'm still having fun just piling nonsensical words on top of more nonsense.**

 **Xxxxx**

 **Playing Catch-up Against These Legends**

I wasn't really that hungry. I barely ate two bites. I mean the food was great though. So good that I asked for a box and brought it up to my room. I might be hungrier after a five to six hour nap.

Before returning to that dark expanse, Chris-chan dropped me off at this bear-themed inn that holds its selling point in its food. What's it called again? I forgot, but the waitresses downstairs all have fluffy bear-ear headbands.

I ordered some sort of fish covered in a sweet sauce, and...pasta I think? Whatever it was, it looked good, so I took a bite-and blasted off to food heaven. And when I returned to reality, I was stuffed. From one bite. I have a really tiny stomach. That's honestly just...all there is to say on the matter.

That was just five minutes ago. Right now, I'm just lying down on a twin-sized bed in a single person room on the third floor. It's a three-story inn, but I dunno if that's considered high class or whatever over here. I lift my adventurer's card up to the ceiling. How much Exp. do I have and how much do I need to upgrade my currently garbage divine relic? Huh? Did I have this much before?

The card shows that I have ten times the amount needed to upgrade my skill once...Is that really all from that one little bite? If so, that's incredible!

I hurriedly open the to-go box and gaze at the magical meal. It's still warm. Even if I'm not hungry, I stuff myself with two, three, five more bites. Normally, I'd throw up from eating this much so quickly, but it's super tasty, high quality stuff that just melts on my tongue!

I look back at the card...The Exp. number barely changed at all...Huh.

Then what? Did I have this much Exp. since before I died? I think back to Chris-chan's explanation of how the whole experience point system works. Apparently, when a living being dies, the leftover energy called experience usually remains in its body if no one else is around. But if another living being comes close enough, it gravitates toward that being and accumulates with the being's current experience.

I haven't encountered any dead things aside from this fish(?) after coming to this world. But what about before? Are you telling me the same mechanics applied back in my original world? If that's the case...I think I'm going to be sick. It feels really bad to even think about using this Exp. on any stat or skill or whatever.

Maybe I can forget this feeling if I take that nap.

xxxxx

"...Tch." I rub my eyes when I wake up. They're wet around the corners. As usual. Another sad dream? I never remember any of them though. In any case, rubbing my eyes as soon as I wake up has been a habit for as long as I can remember. I should think this habit might be fairly average and commonplace, but it's equally likely that I'm just an idiot trying to project herself onto the actual average.

The sky outside the window is dark. Is it morning yet? I'm feeling a little sweaty, so I might as well take a cold shower. But right in the middle of my shower, I realize I forgot to buy a spare set of clothes. Who takes a shower and then puts on the same clothes? Whatever, I can just buy them later today. Unless I forget again, of course.

So for now, I just have my old pajamas, my new belt, my new boots, and my awesome new green mant that Chris-chan was too embarrassed to be seen with. It shouldn't be a problem if anyone sees it now, since she isn't walking right next to me, so no one'll be able to make the comparison.

I start off the day by walking to my favorite blacksmith shop in Axel-by which I mean the only one-but it appears to be closed. The lights are off inside, and the sign says business hours start at 4:00 AM. It must be around 3 right now. Did I really wake up that early?

I have no problem with waiting for an hour. The blacksmith probably worked real hard on my bat and was taking a well-deserved rest.

So how should I spend this one hour? I don't know too many destinations in Axel. Even if I did, everything looks kinda dead at 3 AM. Guess I'll just wander around until I bump into something interesting.

I finally hear some conversation when my feet bring me to the adventurers guild. Why this is the thing that's open at this time is beyond me. I open the door to find it almost empty, save for four figures at the bar area. One's sitting on a barstool, and the other three are standing and walking toward me. Or rather toward the exit.

"Yeah, I think we should call it a night now, Dust [ _ding_ ]. We just got back from our quest, and we didn't get a wink of sleep since we set off yesterday morning."

"Really, I just wanted a midnight snack to fill my belly before dropping like a rock." _Ding_.

"Take care now, Dust [ _ding_ ]. Don't cause any trouble [ _ding ding_ ]. You'll know where to find us tomorrow." _Ding ding ding!_ This Dust dude should get better friends.

"Pshhh, fine. Guess I'll celebrate our close call victory by myself. Later, mah peeps!" Says the remaining adventurer after the other three already left.

When he turns his head toward the door, he notices my presence and says something weird:

"Huh? Kazuma? Z'at you? Weren't you s'pose t'be in that casino heaven country right now?"

...I'm flabbergasted. Do I even look remotely similar to that guy? The man steps away from the bar and stumbles toward me. "Nah, don' tell me ya cleared up that innernash'nal prob'm that fas'!? Das mah homie Kazuma for ya!" _Ding!_

When he reaches me at the entrance though, his drunken smile disappears, and he starts squinting at me.

"Hah? Oi, Kazuma, when'd ya turn into a chick? And if ya had to, why couldn' ya turn into one w' bigger tits? I'm gettin' kinda annoyed from lookin' at this flat chest."

"Sorry for not drinking enough milk then, or whatever. But you're mistaken. And drunk. I just arrived at Axel yesterday... Do I really look like that guy?"

"...Hmm. Might jus' be your color scheme, then. Matches his almos' perf'tly. What, wi'the green, and the white, and the gray. Any drunk would confuse the two o' ya [ _ding_ ]. If I didn' know any better, I'd say you were cosplayin' as him."

...Oh, Eris-chan. I'm facepalming so hard. At the very least, it explains why she was blushing when I was trying it on.

"Aah, whatever. None o' my business how popular he is. That actually sobered me up a bit [ _ding_ ]. I need another drink [ _ding_ ]." The man called Dust moseys on back to his seat at the bar. He's clearly still out of it. If I were a good person, I'd stop him before he passes out from alcohol poisoning and dies from choking on his vomit.

I take one of the seats near him at the bar. Should I order something? I wasn't old enough to drink alcohol back in my world. The legal age might be different here. It's almost certainly different here. The barkeep, a gray haired man in his 30s or 40s, smiles and slides me a menu. But I don't think I have the stomach for alcohol. It's so tiny to begin with after all.

"Do you have any coffee? It's actually the beginning of my day."

Mr. Barkeep says he can brew some up, but it'll take a while. Naturally. I've got an hour to spare anyway.

I lean in and add in a whisper: "And no more beer for this dude." Guess I'll be a good person today.

"Wazzat? You actually wake up at this time? And mah homies were all gettin' ready to sleep in. Whadda buncha pansies."

"Then why are you with them? Sounds to me like they're not too fond of you either."

"Wah? When'd they say that? Those ungrateful pricks. I'm the one holdin' our party together [ _ding_ ]! There's no way [ _ding_ ] we coulda beat that Deadly Plant and pack o' Brutal Rats if I hadn' chucked all [ _ding_ ] our firewood at it and lit it wi'the last [ _ding_ ] match f'm my [ _ding_ ] tinderbox! Who cares if half th' fores' burned down [ _ding_ ]?!"

"...Maybe they hate you because you're hiding things from them. You didn't use up all your party's resources, but you made it seem like you did? Did you have other plans for the firewood?"

"Wuh-?! Dafuq are you, huh? Some sorta mind readin' devil like Boss Vanir?"

Am I a devil? That'd be a fair explanation of a bunch of prior occurrences. I look back at the drunkard and notice a new sliver of respect lining his bloodshot eyes. Are you a devil worshiper? But I don't think he respects me enough to disclose his plans with the firewood.

"Am I, huh? Maybe, something like that... There's a mind reading devil in this town?"

"Ya dunno 'bout Boss Vanir? Wears [ _ding_ ] a real badass mask? Works as a clerk at that shop that doesn' sell very well? He recen'ly opened a consulting booth here, in that corner right there. Really not ringin' a bell?"

Well, a bell did sound, but understanding why is an entirely different animal. And what's more, you're telling me the devil is actually a part-timer? And if you're calling him Boss, does that make you the Great General Alciel? Nah, there's a difference between a devil and a demon lord in this world, apparently.

"As I've said before, I just arrived in Axel yesterday. If Devil-san comes here again, feel free to point him out for me. But I'm going to the blacksmith in an hour, when everything opens, so I'll probably miss him anyway."

"Hah! Yer goin' t'see that ol' fart? He's a good guy. Maybe I should go an' see if he got any new swords [ _ding_ ] in stock. Mine's losin' it's edge."

"Nah, you don't want a sword."

"...Wat." _Ding!_

"Uhh. I mean, maybe it's time to switch over to another weapon?" I'm not trying to cold read. This is a random-ass guess.

"...Haa... Maybe yer right. I'e gotten kinda sick o' swords lately. Maybe I should go for a hammer next." _Ding!_

"Sorry, but apparently, that type of weapon requires a shit-ton of strength, and you look like you've created more of a dexterity build for yourself. Maybe a spear would be better." I'm totally bullshitting. I'm not too keen on this world's weapon scaling systems.

"Nahhh, I'm a joke wi' a spear." _Ding ding ding ding ding!_ He's no joke with a spear.

"If that's the case, you'd probably be an even bigger joke with a hammer."

"...sumfin' tells me yer bullshittin' me."

"That something is surprisingly truthful. Why don't you use a spear?"

"I... [ _ding_ ]. Lemme tell ya a li'l story." Oh, he started monologuing. "It was a faraway kingdom. A li'l boy axeden'ly fell in love wi' an important li'l girl-"

"Was that little girl the kingdom's princess?"

"-Shut up [ _ding_ ]! ...Ya it was the princess. But the boy wasn' in any position to be wi' her. Makes sense for a princess to have a fiancé, right? So the closes' he could get was as a bodyguard... Feel like I skipped over a few plot points."

"How'd he become a bodyguard?"

"Oh, right. He got the ultra rare job class of Dragon Knight 'cuz... he was awesome." _Ding!_ Heh, you let it slip. There's no way this isn't about yourself anymore. People don't use that word to describe others, only themselves. "So tha's why he was selected as her bodyguard. An' in that time, she told me sumfin' real stupid." Ah, you really don't care anymore. Did you realize you switched from third person to first person? It came as no surprise to me though, because I'm smart. "She said she wanted to ride on the back of a dragon and go on an adventure. So I took her on an adventure, on the back of a dragon."

"You eloped with her."

"Tha's what it sounds like, but we were kids, we didn' know what eloping was. We came back after like a week. And daz how I became public enemy numbah hwan!" _Ding!_ He says with crossed arms and a goofy smirk. Dust-san, you skipped over some important shit again.

"So they punished you two for leaving without telling anyone?"

"Two? She was the princess. She prob'ly only got a lecture at wors'. But me? The boy always gets the harsher punishment. I was from lesser nobility. They stripped my entire house to poverty and then exiled me... Does that sound right to you?"

"Honestly, what did they expect would happen from assigning a Dragon Knight to an adventure-loving princess? They had no one but themselves to blame for that rookie mistake. And they lost a Dragon Knight as a result. They obviously couldn't even handle a Dragon Knight."

I don't think he'll give me any more info on that job class, so I'll have to ask Eris-chan or Luna-san was exactly a Dragon Knight is.

"...Las' thing she told me before they snatched her away was that she had fun. Heh!...Good for you!" He says with a strained smile. Then he turns toward me. "And I never looked at a flat chested chick the same way ever since."

What, you upped your standards because of that? Are you actually still a kid?

"So wait, how is that story related to why you can't use a spear?"

"Didn' I tell ya [ _ding_ ]? My spear skills are super unique and easily recognizable. What if they find me again?"

"Who are you afraid of? If it's the royal guard or whatever, can't you just beat them up as long as you have a spear?"

"You just said something incredible." Seems like he's sobered up. "And if they go back to their buddies and tell their whole gang where I am? I'd be in heaps more trouble then!"

"Then don't let them go back." I finish the last sip of my coffee.

"...Are you a devil?"

"As I've said before," I jump down from the barstool and look back at the Dragon Knight, "Something like that."

Dust-san still looks stupefied and disheveled, just sitting in his seat, arms hanging by his sides, starting in my general direction.

"I'm heading off to Mr. Blacksmith now to pick up my custom bat." I start walking away. "I highly suggest you go back to the spear. You don't know if any spies were eavesdropping in using some godforsaken method, and you probably don't want to keep yourself at a handicap against them."

 **Xxxxx**

 **...KonoSuba differentiates the demon lord/maou (position) from the actual dukes of hell, like Vanir and Maxwell. Vanir is even treated as stronger than the demon lord (iirc) by members of the demon lord army. I'm thinking the current demon lord may not even be a demon (ref: the web novel). I'm shortening 'dukes of hell' to 'devils', even though it'll confuse a few fans of Hataraku Maou-sama/The Devil Is a Part-Timer, just by a teensy bit.**

 **Dust's backstory is basically ripped, condensed, and paraphrased from Continued, Explosions! Vol 1 Ch 3. Why did I make him disclose it so easily, when he even keeps secrets from his own teammates, though? Maybe X-chan has another weird characteristic that gets people to drop their guards and start monologuing or something (I'm just now thinking of this!).**

 **The pacing is indeed pretty slow for this story, isn't it? Should I speed it up? Even though I don't know what'll come next?**

 **Reviews and comments are super cool, especially if you want to strike up a theory discussion, or introduce a new fan theory of your own. I like discussing theories.**


	7. Ch 5 - Driving Sharp Points Into These

**I know you guys are waiting for Kazuma. I am too. Volume 11, which shows what happens when he comes back from Elroad, was already released on May 1. At this point, I've only read the prologue, thanks to yuNS. I know Komekko is the main guest for vol 11, and I don't know the consequences of ignoring her events. As soon as I know even a general summary of the entire volume, I can decide what to do about the main party.**

 **In the meantime, I have a ton of slightly less major characters to mess with.**

 **For OkabeRintarou and anyone else interested in the web novel, Villag3Idiot posted brief overviews on reddit. Search "[WN Spoilers] Can anyone who has read the WN give mini summaries of the arcs?"**

 **The arc titled "Demon King" (ctrl+F "Like Kazuma") is my source for the hint at the end of last chapter. I was just thinking it's possible he's not actually a demon in the light novel either.**

 **However, the light novel does contain new material that wasn't present in the web novel (as is usually the case) and not everything in the web novel was carried over to the light novel. Basically, the light novel is Akatsuki-sensei's chance to retcon some things, since the web novel was apparently rushed to completion. We only know generally what's been changed so far, but not what's going to change in future novel volumes.**

 **This was a really good question, so I wanted to answer it right away. But I didn't know of a better way to do that. Unfortunately, you can't delete your own reviews (or reviews of other members, but I have no reason to do that anyway) from your own stories, only guest reviews. So this'll be kinda redundant until this site introduces a better solution.**

 **Also, a note to Past!Me: 'Is it okay' and 'making them wait'. I know you like to rush things, but be patient and check spelling/grammar before posting, b/c you won't be able to edit it later. Not that you'll have ever seen this.**

 **At least I learned something from that event: guests will have to wait.**

 **Xxxxx**

 **Driving Sharp Points Into These Assholes**

"Allow me to introduce: Your New Bat! Of course, that's not its official name. It's up to you to come up with a fitting name. Luckily, you don't seem to have a pissed off sidekick, so you can take as much time with that as you want."

I accept the shiny new bat from Mr. Blacksmith with both hands. It's silver with a black rubber ringed grip. He said it'd be light, but it's still way lighter than I expected. I hold the middle of the bat, where the grip meets the barrel, with one hand, and feel a trigger for a surprise mechanism give way under the pressure of my grip. The end cap opens up like a flower with four petals. I peer inside. It's just hollow.

I guess that shouldn't be surprising. It's common enough for metal bats to be hollow. Otherwise, they'd be super heavy, right? But then what's this feature for?

"Ah, I added an unnecessary feature, didn't I?" The blacksmith notices my confusion. "Maybe I let my imagination run a bit too wild. I was thinking about how I could make this bat a weapon suitable for someone like you. On its own, it still functions as a bludgeon like you wanted. But squeeze the first ring of the grip at the middle, and the cap splits into four knife-like triangles that act like the nails those old crime bosses used to hammer through their wooden bats back in the olden days." This old man had an outstanding childhood. "Then you can twist that first ring to the right to rotate each triangle 90 degrees and lock them in place. So you'd have four points outward and four points forward, meaning you can also thrust it like a spear."

Were you originally a Hunter before becoming a blacksmith? Because this is clearly a Trick Weapon.

"And that's only by itself. You're an adventurer class, right? I don't know if you've learned elementary magic yet, but since the barrel is hollow and openable, I thought if you infuse a bit of Wind Breath, you could also launch a small, lightweight projectile."

"Like... a baseball?" It can be like some sort of hand cannon, too?!

"Heh, a baseball's a pretty expensive ammo of choice against monsters. Just a rock or pebble won't bang up or scratch the inside. You have my word on its durability."

"Even the rotating parts?"

"As long as they're locked into one position or the other, the triangles, knives, petals, or whatever you wanna call 'em-will not break off, guaranteed."

I really like this old man. Marry me? No wait, he has a son. That'd be weird. The age difference would also be weird. I'm glad I realized that quickly.

"Thank you, sir. This will have saved my life many times over. But is this really the right price for such a complex weapon?"

"Ya gotta impress a first time buyer, eh? Plus, I've had a ton of ideas for a line of transforming weapons. I want to call them Trick Weapons. Feel free to promote this line whenever you get the chance."

Smooth words, Hunter-san. I gotcha covered. I'm sure everyone'll line up here once they hey a whiff of this bad boy... That's a temp name. I'm not naming the bat "Bad Boy".

"That sounds fair. Then I'll try my best. Once again, thank you. I'll come again." I hand over the 50,000 eris I set apart earlier.

"So you'll be the face of my new line? At least give me a name then."

Shoot. This is a super high level businessman in addition to a blacksmith. The face, though? Me? I'd rather be a prototype tester, or a demonstrator, or something. But what can I do now?

"...Since I'm using a Trick Weapon, let's go with Hunter-chan."

"Can't say I get the connection, but Hunter-chan it is! Please look forward to my next wild invention!"

I turn around and start walking to the exit. But before I take another step, the door flies open, revealing an out-of-breath, blond Dragon Knight covered in blood and bruises.

"Gramps! Bring it out! It's time already!" Dust-san screams at Hunter-san.

"What was that?! I'm not a day older than your father, you shitty brat! And I ain't fallin' for that shit again! You ain't pawnin' off your goddamn family heirloom!" Hunter-san responds with his own barrage. You had quite the hidden character, Hunter-san. I don't dislike it.

"I'm not playin' this time, old man! I'mma use it to fight! These assholes are for fuckin' real!"

"Hey, you will watch your fuckin' language in front of a girl, you shithead!"

"Sir," I decide to intervene, "I don't really understand the situation, but he's not lying. And that blood is real. Though I don't know who it belongs to." That's enough for Hunter-san to rush to the back room without a second thought.

"Of course it's mine! I'm a complete joke without my spear! Ah! Cosplay-chan!" Yes yes, I am Cosplay-chan [Hai hai, Cosplay-chan desu]. "You were right about the spies! And they're gigantic assholes!"

And you need your spear to... thrust into the... assholes? I have quite the dirty mind today, don't I?

"Wait, seriously? I was spot on? I just thought eavesdroppers would be common enough around a bar, so you should always be wary of them. No, could it be my fault? I was loudly repeating your title of Dragon Knight so often, after all. Whoops. I apologize."

"You think that's all it takes for an apology? If you were really sorry, you'd buy me another round of beers instead of secretly telling the barkeep that I had enough!" Oh, it's in his nature to take advantage of apologies. But you're saying if I was really sorry, I'd have facilitated your eventual demise? Like, if I truly pitied you, I'd have put you out of your misery with my own hands? Damn, and I thought I was an angsty child.

"Here!" Hunter-san returns with a completely gold weapon with a twisted shaft, a head comprised of three leaves, and a green gem at the base of the head.

[Look up the Yugioh card, "Nordic Relic Gungnir" for a better idea]

"Will we finally be able to see it in action after so long?" He hands it over to Dust-san.

Dust-san holds the ceremonial-looking weapon vertically and gives it an expert's spin. The two leaves on either side act as propellers and the whole thing hovers for a few seconds before he catches it again. Then he rushes out to confront his pursuers.

"I don't understand. What's with that gold thing? Is it really a spear?" I ask as we follow him outside.

"That's the Counterattacking Gungnir, or Counterattack for short, the most skill-based spear from the line of seven legendary spears known as the Gungnir Series. It used to be synonymous with the Dragon Knight. I take it you're somewhat familiar with his backstory?"

"The general synopsis, I guess." It's not my story to tell, and the real owner of the story was drunk when he told it.

"Well, Counterattack was the only thing that brat's family managed to smuggle out. That kingdom was collecting them, you see. I believe they had five of the seven, including Counterattack before it was smuggled out. Of course the kingdom's always wanted it back."

"Then why show it to them now? What if he loses his grip and they intercept it by accident? Wouldn't he be fine with just any spear? I'd say bringing out Counterattack is just an unnecessary risk."

"Now if we were talking about the average spear user, you'd be right. But this is the Dragon Knight. He doesn't lose his grip. And this is probably like a once-in-a-lifetime performance. Just watch what happens, and enjoy the show."

When Dust-san steps far enough, away from all the shops, out into the middle of the street, we all hear a high pitched shout.

"Over there, captain! We found him again!"

Three characters appear at a distance. A small one, a big one, and a medium-sized one. They're armored with metal plates and long sashes colored blue, pink, and purple, respectively. Something tells me the purple sashed one is the captain.

Dust-san charges forth and meets them at the middle of the road. There's probably five meters between them. The blue sashed one pulls out a scroll and starts announcing.

"Escapee and grand larcenist named-!" But he never gets that far. A spinning spear pierces the scroll, tearing the paper to pieces, and embeds itself into the blue face's asshole. _Ding!_ I mean the blue asshole's face.

"...He let go of it..." Hunter-san and I stand wide-eyed. A cold sweat appears at the back of everybody's [ _ding_ ] neck. Okay, maybe it's just me.

He threw it. It happened so fast, no one could react.

By the time Mr. Purple can turn and reach for it though, Dust-san has already charged in between them and uppercuts his face away, making him crash into Mr. Pink. That gives Dust-san enough time to yank Counterattack out of poor Mr. Blue's head. The tip drips with a bit of...blood, is that? Since the spear is back under Dust-san's control, Hunter-san and I feel slightly less unrelieved.

But Pinky's a big guy. He gets back up and pulls two huge swords from their sheaths on his back. He starts hacking and slashing while stomping forward, trying to intimidate his opponent. What'll Dust-san do against this one?

The Dragon Knight spins and twirls the golden spear, using its momentum to twist his whole body around. This weird dance filled with front flips and air-somersaults and wild golden after-images-which look like they couldn't possibly have been produced by a spear-gradually closes the distance between the two fighters.

When they reach the same point, Dust-san extends the height of his final front flip and jumps up from right in front of the huge dude. He catches both swords with the rapidly rotating Counterattack, disarming them and sending them flying in either direction. He lands in a single handed handstand on Mr. Pink's head and then falls forward, down toward his back to slice the nape of his neck before correcting his posture in midair and performing a three-point landing. Pinky falls forward with a thud.

...Dafuq just happened? Holy shit, that's rad. I wanna learn how to do that.

Dust-san lands right in front of the dazed Mr. Purple. Before anything else happens, I pick up a rather generous-sized pebble from the side of the road, and toss it up in the air. I ready my new bat and hit the pebble as precisely as I can when it comes down. I'm aiming at Purple. I want the pebble to bonk him on the head and knock him out, so he doesn't suffer a similar fate as his bros. _Ding!_

But the aim turns out a little too low. Either that or he stood up a little too quickly. Instead of bouncing off his head, the sharp edge of the stone lodges into the eye's asshole. _Ding ding!_ I mean the asshole's eye. He falls back down just as quickly as the first time, but I don't know if he'll get back up this time.

And with that, I've diluted my Exp. a bit more. I think I'll feel ready to use a little bit of it now.

"Oh, wait. Did I interrupt his performance? Oops."

"Nah, you could tell he thought he was done because of the way he landed. He probably thought he knocked out that last guy from just an uppercut, so he didn't expect him to get back up. So yeah, a word of thanks would definitely be appropriate, but I wouldn't get my hopes up with him." Hunter-san has known Dust-san for quite some time it seems.

"What the hell, KS?!" Dust-san is clearly upset with me. He's facing my way with his arms wide apart. "Dat ain't cool, yo!" _Ding!_

Don't lie, you probably try to do it at every opportunity you can find. Kill Steal, that is. Only KSers abbreviate it like that.

"Assholes like that were designed to be KSed, don't you agree?"

He can't respond to that. He just walks back to us, slowly and with tired motions, using the staff like an old man's walking cane. He takes a few seconds to look at the two of us with a tired expression, and then continues to trudge on back to the weapon and armor shop.

"Still, I can't say I expected you to end their lives so easily."

"Weren't you the one who said 'don't let them go back'?"

"I thought you'd want to capture them and lock them up for interrogation or something. Speaking of which, I couldn't have hit the third guy too hard. I just took out his eye. At most, I probably only gave him brain damage. Should we... I dunno, take him in or turn him in to the police, or what?"

"Oh. Yeah, bring 'em back to the shop, I guess."

 **Xxxxx**

 **...Did you hear even Dust is getting a spinoff? Lol, I know, 'Dafuq?', right? Apparently, the title's tentative translation is "A spotlight for (even) this fool? Gifting this Wonderful World with Blessings! Extra. Is this excellent supporting character really wonderful?" and it'll be written and illustrated by two new peeps. That was super unexpected. What, did he get first place in the latest character poll that I was unaware of?**

 **I mean, I added him to this story because he wasn't overly popular and because I thought Akatsuki-sensei wanted to keep his story sort of ambiguous. So I thought I could mess around with this character without any kind of guilty or regretful feelings. I don't really know how I feel about this, but hopefully my current fanfic version won't be too radically contrary to the future spinoff version.**

 **Anyway, X-chan is developing a weird, inconsistent shtick with names. She changes some people's names (especially her own) within her head, all the time. She'd even rather be called Cosplay-chan than her real name.**

 **Hunter-san also obviously isn't the blacksmith's real name. He's an unnamed character. X-chan has never called him that out loud though. Mainly because he's an unnamed character.**

 **The spear, Counterattack, was influenced by both the Yugioh card and CrimsonBoots/Matsushita Kenichi's Hangeki no Gungnir.**

 **I'm going to throw Yunyun into this mess soon too, before I miss the chance.**


	8. Ch 6 - Trying to Acquire This Pair of

**...So I'm deciding to completely branch away from canon at this point. Otherwise, the three girls returning to Axel months before Kazuma (Vol. 11) might be needlessly dragging out the length of this fic. I'll just try to make the four of them come back together after maybe another chapter or two. As soon as I figure out what to do with these so-called minor characters.**

 **Xxxxx**

 **Trying to Acquire This Pair of Mounds**

I turn around to face the three bodies...only to find that two of them have melted into black puddles of tar. Just the last one with the purple sash is left. As I approach, Mr. Purple starts to lose his color as well. The graying skin begins bubbling and changing shape.

I stand in place. I don't know what to think. I can't really understand what exactly is happening. Is it changing forms? Or is this just how it perishes and becomes a still puddle like the other two?

A shadowy, clawed limb shoots up from the blackened mass. I guess that means it was the former. That also means I didn't defeat it yet. The limb bends toward me and launches forward. A shout sounds out behind me.

"Gー[God Mode]!"

It slashes at nothing, thankfully. But I'm still immobile. The limb readies its next attack. Why are you delaying it like a Dark Souls boss? It can't be that you know my five second limit!?

[God Mode] is almost over. I don't even know how strong this thing is. Will it hurt? Just before my unique skill ends, I hear a cry from behind.

"[Raito、Obu、Seibaa〜]!"

Since it came from behind me, I couldn't comprehend the form of the attack, other than it being light-based, but the tar-like mass is stunned by it and writhes in pain.

And just on time, I regain my movement speed. Speaking of KS, I shouldn't pass this chance. Twisting the handle of my Bad Boy, I activate its Spike Mode, raise it high over my head, and slam it down onto the mass like I'm chopping woodーor maybe like I'm bludgeoning a bitch-ass punk who dared to steal my hard earned blood money and then waste it all on drugs and whores within the next two hours. I like to pretend I'm vicariously experiencing Hunter-san's top tier youth whenever I use this weapon.

With a big splash, the black mass settles and ceases all movement. I guess I can give up on interrogating anything now. I want to know who that voice belonged to. I take a peek behind me, still wary of the black puddle.

It's a rather timid-looking, red-eyed brunette in an oddly daring low-cut blouse and some nice, clean grade B zettai ryouiki, with an overall black and pink color scheme. She's holding a short silver staff, tipped with a violet gem, in front of her, as if to protect herself from perverted gazes. She jumps when we make eye contact. Her breasts jump with her.

Oi, is she really younger than me?

"Ah, are you okーkuu?!" Ah, she bit her tongue.

"...Thanks, big-breasted imouto-chan. Uh, yes, I am called Okuu." _Ding!_ I bow slightly. Come to think of it, Okuu might actually be a good name for my hand cannon/bat, if I use the kanji for rooftop-perching crow.

Big-breasted imouto-chan fidgets and looks away uncomfortably. "SorーI'm sorry, that's not what meant to say..." She tries harder to shield her bare skin.

"I know. You just bit your tongue. Happens to me all the time [ _ding!_ ]. Not too big a deal. But I have to say, Imouto-chan, squeezing your elbows together to accentuate your... tig ol'... bazongas might be a bigger issue."

"Eh?" The three of them jumped again. Grr... "I don't... think I know what you're talking aboutー" _Ding!_

"Those... yummy yabos, you know?" I try to dance around the subject. "Those swaggering sweater puppies, those Wumbotanical Walters!" I'm making grabbing gestures under my own twins. "They're super cute, so can you lend them to me sometime?"

Poor girl's blushing like mad. "I... I-I'm very sorry! I don't know how to do that!" _Ding ding ding!_ She turns around to run.

Heh, huh?

"Oi! Wait! You're lying! Such a thing really does exist! Teach me!"

"What?" I got her to turn around. "How do you know about breast transfer magic? I've never even told my best friend about it!"

"It's because I can detect lies!" Wait, oops. I was too excited. I didn't want to tell her that so suddenly. What if she gets creeped out and refuses to teach me that secret rare, ultra-high-spec, unique magic? I might kill myself again.

She's staring at me with somewhat dazed eyes. "I see." Huh? What does she see? "I'm not too sure, and may be wrong, but I just thought that... I might understand just a little of what you've been through? Maybe."

"Huh, interesting."

"You see, I've always had a different way of thinking than everyone else around me, ever since I was little. So I was kinda picked on and made fun of and stuff..."

"Uh huh." She started monologuing.

"Like I was the only one out of all of us who even slightly understood the truth of how the world really was. Does that make sense?"

"You were a natural born tsukkomi?"

*Gasp!* Ah, what a sparkly-eyed young girl. I think her impression of me jumped... along with her Bahama mamas.

"Ah, I should introduce myself!" *Ahem* She raises her right hand to the left side of her head, pointing a finger up to the sky. She uses her left hand to flutter her black mant behind her. "Warera wa Yunyun! The next village head of the crimson magic clan!"

Shocking! I wa shock! Such a timid girl can do something like that! Her cheeks are now the same color as her eyes, and she's avoiding my eye contact. She realizes how embarrassing it is for both of us.

"Uh, nice to meet you..." She bows like a normal person.

"You too. Yunyun, huh? Is that Chinese? Which character does it use?" I ask while starting to walk down the road.

"Huh? Is my name also found in a different language? I can't say I know though. The folks from my village just write their names out in hiragana." They're a bunch of kindergarteners?

"Well, if your Yun uses the character for dizzy, [晕|yūn], then twice that could refer to the halo phenomenon seen around the sun or the moon. But if it's the one for cloud, [云|yún], it'll mean etcetera. And if its the one for rhyme, [韵|yùn], it'll just be rhyme, twice, but in addition, it'll still rhyme on top of that. I'd personally go for the halo one. I think it'd suit you." Partly because I can imagine a timid girl like you getting dizzy frequently, but I'm not saying that out loud.

"Wah~! Thanks, knowing the meaning actually makes me feel more comfortable with it now than before." 晕晕 is pleased with the new way of writing her name. "And, uh, you said your name was Okuu?"

"No, Okuu is going to be the name of my bat." As soon as I find a pen or something to write it on the talisman.

"You're planning on naming your bat after yourself?"

Wait, did I say something like that?

"...Well, for now, you can just call us both Okuu."

"Yes! Um, I was wondering if your name had a meaning too."

"I'm using the characters for a corvus that roosts on top of a storehouse."

"...Somehow I'm feeling way more gratitude than I've ever felt before for my own name."

Oi, don't diss the bird. She has such a cool and lovable theme, you know.

It doesn't take long to get back to Hunter-san's store. The two men returned earlier, so they probably didn't see the three sash guys turn into tar. The door opens as soon as we arrive, and Dust-san stands in the doorway before welcoming us in.

"Sheesh, we were getting kinda worried. So what happened to the dude? And why's Yunyun here?"

Dust-san slumps down on a nondescript chair in the upstairs living room.

We two girls sit on a two-seater sofa, while Hunter-san is in the kitchen, preparing some tea. It's quite a cozy living space for one situated above a small store. There's apparently a cozy kitchen, a small bathroom, a tiny laundry room, and two cozy bedrooms.

"The corpses all turned into black goo and dissolved into the ground." I explain.

"...They were tar golems? Those things are weird." Apparently, Dust-san knows about them. "Then?" 'What about her?' is what he wants to say, right?

"I met her along the way, and we became friends. She's cute, isn't she?" I completely discount the battle we had with the tar golem that was still alive. Yunyun doesn't seem to mind.

"While I'm glad for you two, didn't you involve her in something weird? As much as I know about Yunyun, she usually shies away from this kind of mess. She always runs away before getting involved."

"Doー! Don't you know a little too much about me?! I don't remember ever making friends with you! Okuu-san, I think, as a girl, you shouldn't be associating with a delinquent like him! Even though he doesn't like younger girls, so I don't think you have to worry about him doing anything perverted to you... But you could still pick up some bad habits!"

"For someone who claims to not be my friend, you seem to know a whole lot about me as well. What's the deal with that?"

"Eh?! Is, is it bad to be observant?!"

"Chill out. I mean, I dunno how it is for little girls, but for guys, we can be as observant as we want as long as we don't tell anyone what we observe." Oh, ha, I get it. He is a pervert. We have those things back home too.

But basically, it seems Dust-san and my newly acquired big-breasted imouto-chan know each other very well. I feel pretty left out, which shouldn't be a new feeling, but... Could it be jealousy? She's mine, dammit! I found her! And her boob magic! Finders keepers!

"Don't worry, Yunyun-chan! For girls, we have to be confident with our observations. For example," Uh, what's a good example? I'm actually not an observant girl in the slightest, but I have to put Dust-san in his place! "For example, Dust-san's boner is super small!"

"That's 'cause I don't have one right now." Shoot, I made a bonerーI mean, a mistake. "Oh, but that was a good observation, I guess?" _Ding._ He scratches his temple and looks to the side. I can't tell if that was sarcasm or if he was pitying me, but either way, feels bad, man.

"Ah, anyway!" The pink-faced Yunyun tries to recover for me. "Now that I am somewhat involved in the tar people problem, can you tell me what it's about?"

"Right. It's Dust-san's story, so he should tell it."

"Alright, listen up, Yunyun. As it turns out, I'm actually the crown prince of a foreignー" _Ding!_

"He's lying."

"Like you would know." He seems upset. Who were you trying to impress anyway? Yunyun? She won't be impressed by you.

"Yes, I would know. Because you told me. When you were drunk."

"And somehow, you have a way of getting people to talk about their personal information real easily."

"I know, right?" Hunter-san arrives with the tea. "She even got me to talk about my son who passed in the war with the demon king's army, the first time we met."

Wait, your son died? The one this bat belonged to? I'm sorry to hear... Okuu, I'm going to treat you super well, okay?

"Well, since this idiot's an unreliable narrator, I'll take over. I'll keep it brief, alright Lil Miss?" He says to Yunyun.

Aw, I thought I was your Lil Miss. No wait, I'm Hunter-chan. That's even better.

Hunter-san sits down on a second chair in the room, and mainly faces Yunyun because she's the only one who hasn't heard the story.

Xxxxx

"No way, I thought that was just a rumor going around the with housewives, but it was actually about Dust-san?!"

But apparently, she did hear the story in the past. And the housewives made it out to be some kind of romantic tragedy. I mean, it technically was, but they were just kids.

"So that means those tar folks' goal is your spear, right? And now they know where it is?"

"No, the tar golems are just puppets though. The people giving them orders are actual people, okay?" Hunter-san explains politely, while Yunyun tries her best to make sense of the mess with what little information she has.

"We're also not too sure about their communication method, or how long it takes for the guys who give the orders to receive the communication. It would've been handy to get a sample, but I'm not blaming you, Dust." _Ding._

Yunyun and I look at each other but stay quiet. We could've snagged a bit of tar before it seeped into the ground, but you and your breasts stole all of my attention at that moment! But I'm not blaming you, Yunyun. _Ding._

 **Xxxxx**

 **...Don't you hate it when a chapter is broken at the weirdest point? But it's been so long, and I lost my train of thought so many times during this chapter. I eventually came up with this mess, but where to go with it now? Ideas? Suggestions? Fan theories? Fan theories are always fun to discuss, even outside of fan fiction.**

 **By the way, you were only joking when you said you might kill yourself again because of something so trivial, right X-chan?**

 **...*Blush***


	9. Ch 7 - Enduring These Noises

**Here's a time skip of about half a day. Akatsuki-sensei used those quite a bunch between chapters in KonoSuba, but maybe not to the extent of this. I dunno.**

 **Xxxxx**

Enduring These Noises

I'm back in my room at the bear-themed inn. Today was tough, huh? What time is it now? It's probably 9, or 12, or 3. My internal clock has been messed up for as long as I can remember. Did I actually go to sleep yet? I must have, but I still feel sleepy. Should I go back to sleep, or should I wake up now?

Guess I better mess around with my phone until I figure something out. Oh wait, I don't have a phone. I left it with my dead body back in my world. I sure hope no one unlocks it to find that embarrassingly cute wallpaper that an old classmate set for me before she killed herself. Come to think of it, the fact that I didn't change it after such a long time since she died was a good sign there was something wrong with me.

I check my magical driver's licenseーI mean my adventurer's card instead. I guess the experience has been diluted with actual monsters now, so it doesn't hurt me as much as before to spend it for my benefit. I wonder how much I need to spend for [God Mode] to stop being trash.

I start my experiment. I upgrade my skill a little at a time and activate it to see how it changed. There is no change at first, but after a while, l can move at the same speed in and out of [God Mode]. The duration is a couple milliseconds longer too. That seems like a good benchmark, so I decide to put the rest into my agility to take full advantageーand by rest I mean the one point remaining. Shoot. I didn't even consider my offensive or defensive stats.

No matter, l can just eat some more good food downstairs, later. That will definitely help even by just a tiny bit.

There was nothing we could do to help Dust-san fight back against his old home country. We merely defended this round, but they're still the ones who can decide the time and place of the next attack. We can only wait for them to make another move and react accordingly.

So until then, I've got not much else to do but get stronger. Unfortunately for me and Yunyun, we've gotten involved one way or another. It's not hard to imagine us getting targeted now as Dust-san's accomplices.

Speaking of Yunyun, I have no idea where she went, but we planned to meet up again tomorrow afternoon. I invited her for some coffee, and she seemed really excited. I hope she didn't misunderstand the meaning behind the coffee. It's not that I don't swing that way. Girls are plenty cute. But I'm more interested in her breast transfer magic.

I guess that makes me also quite excited. Maybe I can relate with her, but I haven't made a plan with a friend in such a long time. What else is there to do besides drink coffee?

Can we go clothes shopping together? Do friends do that in this world? I keep forgetting that I still only have one set of clothes. I'd normally put a reminder in my phone, but oh well. What can ya do?

I take another short nap, hoping to wake up after the sun rises.

Xxxxx

By the time I get ready and come down, Yunyun is already at the lobby of the inn in staying.

"You didn't wait long, did you?" I ask her.

"Nope," _Ding!_ "I mean, I just came a little _[ding]_ early, that's all."

"That so?"

"Okay, I may have been a little excited. It's not everyday I'm invited by someone to come playーI mean..."

"Hm, I know what you mean. Then let's go and play our hearts away!"

"Wah! That sounds fun but scary at the same time!"

"So do you have anywhere you want to go first?"

"Well, I've always wanted to play with someone at a chess parlor..."

"You know chess?"

"Yeah! But whenever I go, I always end up playing against myself in the corner. So I don't actually have any experience against other people."

I know what she means. You can't get better at a competitive game without playing against others. Without another mind, you won't discover flaws in the strategies you thought were perfect.

"Then let's go there first. I have a fun strategy in mind that I've always been meaning to try out."

My strategy was, simply put, an offensive king. I would try to capture every single one of my opponent's pieces with my king. Of course, I would use my other pieces to block checks and pave roads, but only my king was allowed to capture. After years of online chess against anonymous opponents, I designed this so called handicap to maintain the tiniest shred of interest in an otherwise stale, mundane turn-based game. Immediately after I started playing with my new strategy, I started losing. And that's when chess became fun for me.

So against a young girl who never played against another person before, would my offensive king finally get his first win?

...Is what I thought, but isn't this game different from the eight-by-eight board I was thinking of? What are all these extra pieces? Why is it still called chess at this point?

But at least I could move my king on turn 1. This set up may inadvertently be easier to pull off a king sweep than the chess back home.

"Eh?" Yunyun is shocked by my first move. I suppose it's an unconventional strategy in this game too.

Well, I don't know what the other pieces do, so I don't have many choices on my first turn. I learn the movements of the pieces called archpriest, archwizard, crusader, and so on from Yunyun's turns. But as I thought, the king is a powerful threat in this game, moving one space at a time like a mighty glacier.

Before we know it, a crowd has surrounded us.

"It's Yunyun."

"Yunyun brought a friend."

"Yunyun has a friend?!"

"Is she really a friend?"

How rude! Of course I'm her friend!

"Why is the white king so far ahead?"

"I was just wondering that."

"How did it even get there?"

"Black's getting pressured by a single king?"

"Ah! The king ate the crusader!"

"And now it's going after the archwizard!"

"It's moving so slowly, just like a serial killer from a horror movie!"

This commentary is fit for a live action sport. But who says chess isn't a sport?

"Ah! The queen blocks Yunyun's check again! But if the archpriest eats the queen, it'll just be eaten by the king right away!"

"This king's a total glutton!"

Hey, now.

"Yunyun only has her king and queen left! If she loses either, it'll be her loss!"

"While white still has a knight and a rook! This'll be down to the wire!"

"Queen can't eat anything! Each piece is always protected by the other two whenever she finds a path!"

"It's... my loss." Yunyun finally admitted defeat.

Thus my offensive king's first win was against a young girl who never played against another person before in a variation of chess that I've never played before. Quite a bittersweet feeling, but I'll savor it nonetheless. Yunyun and the crowd are now looking at me with sparkling eyes.

"That was really cool, Okuu-san!" Yunyun discloses one of my nicknames like nobody's business.

"She said her name's Okuu?"

"Okuu-sama! Please teach us!" The crowd roars.

"No, rather, I should be thanking Yunyun-chan for going along and letting me showcase this playstyle. I'm not really a pro or anything. I don't think I can teach this. You, uh, you just move your king." As always, I suck at explaining.

The crowd looks disappointed. I'm sorry to disappoint. They disperse back to their seats. I see a few of them lead with their kings turn 1. Success! I've popularized the glutton king strategy. I've always wanted to popularize something.

Just then, I hear a loud boom out in the distance. What, is it the demon king army? Are they attacking Axel so suddenly? No one else seems bothered. Maybe they've been attacked so many times that they're jaded? Actually, they're all smiling.

"It's been a while since I last heard an explosion."

"You know what that means."

"They're back, huh?"

"What?" I ask Yunyun who's looking something between excited and troubled. Nervous maybe? Anxious? I don't know the right word.

"Oh, that's definitely Megumin, my, er, rival _[ding]_. She and her party went to the neighboring nation of Elroad without telling me. It's weird to welcome them back now." She explains.

Are you sure it's not because of me? I don't want you to feel obligated to keep me company if you want to greet your friend that you haven't seen in a long time.

"Then, if I said I wanted to meet this rival of yours?"

"Then I guess it can't be helped." She seems happy that I gave her an excuse.

Xxxxx

I learned from Yunyun that Megumin's an archwizard just like her, but one who only specializes in explosion magic. She skipped all other types of magic and put all her experience into that one super top tier magic. Sounds almost like me, who recently dumped everything into [God Mode]. Maybe we could get along.

Her party also has an archpriest, a crusader, and an adventurer like me. Their names are Aqua, Darkness, and Kazuma, respectively. Huh? Wait. Isn't that too soon? My heart's not ready yet! It's still away, playing!

"Y-Yunyun-chan, you know him too?"

"Kazuma-san? Yeah, I guess I do." She scratches her cheek and smiles shyly.

"But what about my clothes? I can't go looking like this!"

"Hm? Oh yeah, I heard from Dust-san, you like to cosplay. I'm sure Kazuma-san will be happy to see it."

But I've never even seen him in this world yet! I can't say that out loud. Huh? He'll be happy? Are you sure?

We arrived at the Axel entrance and are waiting patiently. A few shopkeepers are looking at us weird. Not before long, we see a colorful group of four lumbering into town. A green figure is piggybacking a small red figure, while being followed by a blue figure and a yellow figure. All they need is orange and purple and they can be a rainbow-themed super sentai gang. Beating up baddies and the like.

We hear a bit of their conversation.

"This piggybacking is getting old. _[ftang!]_ When are we going to upgrade to princess carry? We're close enough, aren't we?" _Gong gong gong!_ Every time the red one speaks, I hear a loud bronze bell sound out.

That happens occasionally. When I come across someone who lies so often, their soft dings evolve into various loud noises that hurt my head. I doubt I'll get along with her.

"I don't care! It doesn't matter how light you are, keeping my arms in that position is tiring!" The green one responds. "Oh, it's Yunyun." He notices us. "You came to welcome us back?"

"No, _[ding]_ , I just wanted to introduce my friend." The quartet looks my way. They seem to be analyzing me.

"Hi, I'm, uh, I mean... I'd like to apologize to the green man over there."

"For what, trying to copy my fashion sense? I don't mind it. You know what they say about imitation and flattery. I take it you're a fan?"

"Who'd want to be a fan of you? _[honk honk!]_ She clearly just made an error while dressing up today." A clown horn erupts from the blue one.

"No, I mean, I've never seen you in this world before, so I didn't know. The reason I want to apologize is..."

This is it. This is my main goal. My main reason for coming to this world.

"Sorry! Because of me, you died before you could enjoy your eroge!"

The blue one looks shocked, but the others look confused. Even Yunyun.

"Huh? The last time I bought an eroge was..." His eyes open as wide as the blue one's.

Does he remember? Does he recognize me?

"Suicide-chan!" He points at me.

"Now, now, Kazuma, isn't it rude to call someone you've never met before _[akwakwak]_ Suicide-chan?" Was that a French Golduck? This blue lady's lie sounds are quite diverse.

"...Yes, yes, I am Suicide-chan."

He does recognize me! Although I received another questionable nickname.

"Aqua!" He turns to Ms. Blue. "You told me nothing happened to this girl! Why is she here?!"

"No, you did save me at that time. I only succeeded in killing myself recently." I tell him.

"She really was suicidal! Are you guys hearing this?!"

"I'm hearing it, but understanding it is a completely different animal." _Claxons!_ The yellow figure responds.

...Is this what a migraine feels like? Please don't talk. How can this guy stand these girls? Oh yeah, it's because he can't detect lies.

"But what's even weirder is why she'd choose a tractor to commit suicide with! Isn't a truck more reliable in that case?" He asks...an odd question.

"You thought it was a tractor?"

"Aqua told me about it."

"That's clearly a lie. What would a tractor be doing on a 60 speed limit city street anyway?"

Silence. The lady called Aqua started whistling. Heh, that's almost funny.

 **Xxxxx**

 **...So I'm at this point. What now? I'm not done yet, am I? There's still so much I want to discuss. There was also a lot I thought of adding to this chapter, but it started feeling cramped. I want to put in more activities with Yunyun and Dust while still keeping contact with Chris and now Kazuma's gang. I also want X-chan to meet Vanir soon, either at Wiz's shop or the guild. So maybe I'll drop another time skip between chapters. I dunno.**

 **Kazuma's nickname for our heroine turns out to be Suicide-chan. Surprising? No? But it might as well become her official nickname, considering it's Kazuma who selected it. Once again, I'm not going to come up with a real name for her. Think back to Accelerator from Index, or Ii-chan from Zaregoto.**

 **You may also have noticed X-chan/Suicide-chan never says Kazuma's name, out loud or otherwise. Is she being shy? Cute? Stupid? I dunno.**

 **As always, if you want to talk about a fan theory in a review, feel free! I love those things!**

 **Cheers!**


	10. Ch8-Entertaining these Compulsive Liars

Entertaining these Compulsive Liars

"...S...S..."

The man in green has a darkened face, and he seems to be holding back tears. I cannot begin to comprehend his feelings right now. Did I do the right thing with my apology?

"Kazuma, if you keep making those 'susu' noises, Megumin's gonna wet herself again." _Quack._

My, what lack of tact.

"Hey, Aqua! Don't make it sound like I have a wetting problem at this age!" _Tong!_ The little red girl unsuccessfully tries to make her case.

Okay, let's ignore the sobbing man and continue with this humor skit.

"[STEAL]!" The man cries out in between sobs.

"Ah! My hagoromo! Kazuma, give it back!" He just used magic to apport the blue girl's translucent, pink hagoromo into his clutches. Hey, I could probably learn that [Steal] skill if I so choose.

"I'm gonna burn this thing when I get home!"

"No! Waaah!"

The two of them run off. The four of us remain: me, Yunyun, the small red archwizard, and the yellow crusader. The archwizard is piggybacking on the crusader now.

"Will he be okay?" I ask his two teammates.

"I don't really get it [ _bzzzt_ ], but if it's Kazuma, he'll probably return to his normal self by tomorrow, right?" _Bzbzbzzzt!_ The crusader, Darkness, replies amidst buzzer noises.

"Yeah, he's a man after all. As if he'd cry over something so silly." _Tong!_ The archwizard, Megumin, adds, puffing her chest. No, but he did cry. Your impression of a man is somewhat biased, isn't it? What are you so proud of? He's not you, is he?

Did these two actually understand his feelings? They may be in the same party as him, but unless they came from the same world as him like I did, I doubt they can fathom the magnitude of his opportunity loss.

"And what about the blue girl?" I ask.

"Aqua?"

"What _about_ her?"

The two brushed off my concern with scary faces. Ah, they seem quite pissed for Satou-san's sake. What good girls. Or no, what bad girls for making such scary expressions. I wouldn't want to be in their crosshairs.

Yunyun is scared too. Has she ever seen her rival in such a mood? If possible, I want to get her far away from these liars.

"Say, Yunyun-chan, now that we've met them, what do you want to do next? Maybe clothes shopping? Or teaching me magic over lunch?"

Yunyun blushes when I mention magic. She knows which magic I'm talking about.

"What a good idea!" _Tong!_ The bronze bell, Megumin, interjects. "I'm starving from coming home after a long trip." _Gong gong gong!_

"But weren't you snacking on the treat Kazuma bought for you the entire way backーack!?" Megumin increases her grip around Darkness's neck. "On second thought, I'm also kind of hungry [ _bzzzt_ ]. Mind if we join you two?"

I do mind. I can't let these two know about breast transfer magic.

"O-Of course not! It's been my lifelong dream to hang out at a cafe with a group of friends!" Yunyun smiles. Oh, Yunyun. Very well, I'll try again another day.

Xxxxx

We're all at a cafe now, sitting at a booth. Megumin and I have the window seats, while Darkness and Yunyun respectively have the aisle seats next to us.

Yunyun introduces me as Okuu-san again. I'm somewhat annoyed that I can't choose what these two call me by myself, but at least she went with my coolest nickname in my opinion.

I order whatever Yunyun recommends. The two across from us do the same. It seems Yunyun frequents this place by herself and has memorized the menu. As expected, should I say?

While we eat, the three girls take turns asking me about my background.

"So how do you know Kazuma?" A tough question right off the bat. I guess I should just answer truthfully, right?

"I don't really know him too well. I just saw him once right before he died. I didn't even find out his name until afterwards."

"I see, I see." _Ftang!_ No, you don't.

"I mean, he ended up dying because of me, so I killed myself to apologize."

Silence.

"...Well, he does die for the dumbest reasons sometimes [ _bzzzt_ ], but he has Aqua to resurrect him every time." So I probably died for nothing, is what she's insinuating.

"Resurrect? She didn't resurrect him that time. I don't even think she was there. I spent months contemplating what to do."

"Huh? Then who resurrected you?" Darkness asks.

Did someone have to resurrect us? Wait, if that's the case...

"Eris-chan resurrected me." I can't speak for him though.

"Eris as in the goddess, Eris-sama? Although, I have to say, using -chan for a goddess is a bit..."

I don't understand what she's saying. Why wouldn't I use -chan for my beloved little sister?

"I guess that makes sense [ _bzzzt_ ]. Eris-sama is very benevolent."

We leave it at that.

After we finish our meals, Yunyun excuses herself to the restroom. I intend to go with her, but the other two hold me back.

"Say, Okuu-san, is that your real name?" Megumin asks.

"Nope. I've said it to Yunyun-chan too, but Okuu is the name of my bat. I'm just using as my nickname too because it sounds cooler than my real name."

"...I hate to say it, but that does sound really cool." She admits.

"Thanks. Megumin's name is cool too." _Ding._ Why did I lie like that?

"Oh, and my name? Darkness?" _E-err!_ An error sound pops out. So she's lying about her name as well?

"Well, we both have really cool nicknames then, I guess." I say, scratching my head.

Darkness looks shocked. "How did you know that? Are you a mind reading devil like Vanir-san?"

Now where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, from that other blonde person whose nickname also starts with D. I wonder if they're related.

"Something like that." I reply.

"Okay, let's cut to the chase. What are you really after by being Yunyun's friend?" Megumin probes.

I can't just say breast transfer magic now, can I? Especially in front of someone who looks like she needs it too. In fact, why are you so concerned about what your rival-slash-best friend does? ...Oh, lol. She's that type of liar.

"Hm, safety maybe?" The two look confused. I try to explain. "You see, Yunyun and I got wrapped up in something sinister recently, so we thought it'd be a good idea to stick together, so we could protect each other." _Ding._ More like, so she could protect me. But they don't have to know that.

"Something sinister?" Darkness looks concerned.

"Like tar golems." I confide.

"What are those?" They look at each other, but neither of them knows.

"I don't really know either. Ask Dust-san." I suggest.

"Oh, if it's related to Dust, then it makes sense if it's sinister." They agree. Dust-san is quite the infamous character, isn't he?

"But basically, coming back to point, that girl has really bad luck when it comes to making friends [ _gong_ ], okay? So I can't help but be concerned [ _gong_ ] when she introduces someone as a new friend." Is she really acting out of concern? Or is it something else?

"You're starting to sound like an overprotective older [ _bzzzt_ ] sister, Megumin." Darkness adds. Heh.

"Rest assured, Yunyun-chan is in safe hands with me."

They're probably still suspicious of me, but I ease their suspicion by being as honest as I can.

Yunyun returns from the restroom to see the three of us chatting amicably. She hesitates to return to the booth. I don't want her to feel left out, so I call her back right away. She's still my favorite person here after all.

"Oh yeah, what magic were you going to teach Okuu, Yunyun?" Her rival asks. Ah. I forgot I said something like that. Yunyun hesitates.

"Uh, it was [Wind Breath], right?" I cover for her. I faintly remember Hunter-san mentioning that could be used with my bat to launch pebbles. See, my memory isn't that bad. Actually, I think I got super lucky in remembering the name [Wind Breath].

"That's right! That's supposed to help with your bat, right?" Since Yunyun's smart, she connects the dots easily. Or maybe she heard what my bat can do from Hunter-san. Either way, I'm impressed.

Yunyun's [Wind Breath] is quite strong, so we head outside to see it. She whips up a whirlwind, blowing some fallen leaves away from the front of the cafe.

"Oh!" We all clap our hands. I take out my adventurers card and tap on the newly added [Wind Breath] to learn it. I secretly learn Satou-san's [Steal] as well before putting the card away. I gained just enough points from the meal to learn both.

"Now you try it out!" Yunyun looks excited.

I load one pebble into my bat and infuse my magic into it.

"[Wind Breath]!"

Although I probably shouldn't have pointed it upwards for the test. Since my magic power is still very low, the pebble only goes up about one meter before making a small arc and coming back downーright toward Darkness's head.

"Catch it, Darkness!" We all shout. But she fails, and it bounces off the top of headーand hits Megumin's head too, right next to her... Oops.

"...Are you two okay?"

"You..." They don't look amused. It was seriously just an accident though.

"...Fufufu." The tension is broken by Yunyun's giggling. The three of them break out into laughter.

Phew, I was afraid they'd start hating me.

Xxxxx

The four of us visit a clothing store next. Yunyun takes us to one that's newly opened. No one asks her how she knew about it or how she knew where the cosplay section was, but we all have fun trying on different costumes in the fitting rooms and coming out one by one.

"Guess who!" Megumin strikes a pose. She's wearing a green mant, white shirt, gray pants, brown belt, and brown boots.

"...Me?" I point at myself.

"That wrong! [ _Tong!_ ] I'm supposed to be Kazuma!" Oh. I couldn't tell because you're the wrong gender. Better luck next time?

Darkness's cosplay is a lot easier to recognize. It had a red ribbon around her neck, a white crop top with black shoulders and sleeve cuffs, low-rise jean shorts, and short brown boots.

"Oh, it's Luna-san." It suits her quite well.

"When you wear it, it looks a lot more erotic." _Ftang!_

"Stop saying that! I don't want to be in charge of all things erotic!" _Claxons!_ My head hurts again. These two need to learn when to not talk. Take a lesson from Yunyun. Speaking of which...

"Don't tell me you took my idea." Megumin complains. Yunyun's wearing the same thing as her rival.

"No, not really [ _ding_ ]. I just thought, it could be Kazuma-san, but it could also be Okuu-san as well."

Awww, that's so sweet. Even though I know you were initially thinking of him, I'm still flattered. That said, it's a wonder why they have so many Satou Kazuma costumes in stock.

Finally, it's my turn to reveal myself. I couldn't find the exact outfit I was looking for, so I put together a long-sleeve black blouse, a small pink tie, and a pink miniskirt. They're not exactly the same, but they're close enough. I couldn't find the stockings to complete the zettai ryouiki either, so the whole outfit feels incomplete.

Yunyun gasps when she sees it. That's right. I'm cosplaying as you now, Yunyun. She rushes over to me and gives me a nice hug. "I'm so happy!" She says. This isn't so bad. It feels nice... Her breasts are squeezing against mine.

"So what do you think, should I get this much now and just try to find the stockings later?" I contemplate.

"You're really going to buy it?" Yunyun is surprised. The other two girls are as well. Was I really the only one planning to actually buy something from this shop? "If so, I can give you some of my stockings. But as I thought, wearing the same outfit might be kind of embarrassing."

"Then you can wear the Satou KazuーI mean the me costume whenever I wear this one. Then our enemies will be confused as to why I'm using high-tier magic or why Yunyun's wielding a bat."

"Wow, Okuu-san thinks of everything!" Yunyun's impressed.

Wait, did I really say that last part out loud? Oh well.

Megumin and Darkness are inspired by our purchases and buy the costumes they tried on as well. Will their teammates be surprised?

Xxxxx

...So I'm basically tabling Aqua and Kazuma's side for now, and just playing with the other two. Their dialogue was sometimes easy and sometimes difficult to come up with.

I'm still unsure of how to approach Kazuma's reaction. Hopefully this one worked. I'm thinking of starting the next chapter from Kazuma's POV, but I don't know how well that'll pan out.


End file.
